18 Days ... N that's it !!!!

Getting married was suppose to be fun, it was suppose to be only shopping, it was meant to be all pampering and all love... Not that it isn't all of it, but then there is a catch at the rear end. It's not like a win all kind of a situation, just to be with one, i will have to let go being with the other. Just to settle in into an all-new world, I will have to unlearn lots of what I had learnt all through these 26 years.










My mom randomly buying stuffs for home, bought a tooth brush for me to take along. Now amidst all the heavy sarees, suits, jewellery, chappals and all that jazz, this one tooth brush made me realise that it is not like a camping trip anymore, where I pick my shoes n socks and towels and tooth brushes, and camp and trek with friends for 4-5 days and come back home and sleep tight with mom dad just around on the other bed.

Life isn't a camping trip anymore, and neither am I a young girl who can just sleep anywhere in any body's pajama, on any ones bed, in any one's quilt. I am not all that accommodating as I was 10 years back. I am still used to entering home and throwing my hand bag and lap top bag anywhere around the room, and telling mom how my day was while she would give me some water and something to eat. Moms love to pamper, and mine made sure there doesn't arise a need for me to even lift a finger.

How i will miss cribbing to her about the sabzi's that she made and I did not like, how I'll miss just getting up in the middle of the night and slipping in her bed besides her, how I'll miss just plain and simple fighting with her, how I'll miss teasing her, how I'll miss nagging her for not combing her hair well or wearing a "not so nice " chappal or a "not so nice" suit, or not removing her nail polish or over straining her self. Plain and simple, life is gonna be difficult with mom not around. Rather Incomplete.

So 8th of December... it is

Soon i will finally be receiving the card that would read:

Qaynat

Weds

Ankit

On: 8Th Dec 08

Something that i hadn't really wanted, not even expected. And something that hadn't struck me till now. The other evening, 12Th Nov, (how can i ever forget that date now, kiney!!!) i called her and cried n cried n cried, right before the most beautiful moment of her life. I cried to the fact that, she and i might not be the same anymore, that she and i will not be able to attend each other's wedding, that she n i might just drift apart because our husbands might not see eye to eye, or just might not like our talking to each other.

I felt bad, that in spite of planning it for years, we will not be able to dance on each others weddings, we will not be able to stand at the entry gate and ask for sagan for entry, we will not be besides each other when we are being taken with all glitz and glamours and maximum footage to the center stage, we will not be there to hide our jeeja ji's juttis, we will not be there to negotiate ... We will not hug each other and cry ... The gist is that we will just not be there... JUST NOT BE THERE...

There at times when nothing else matters, its only the fact that we will not be a part of each others wedding album. Which is scary in its own self. I will never ever again be able to go and see Qaynat alone in Bangalore, both of us will have our share of add-on's.

Guess somewhere it is better, that the two of us are getting married almost at the same time.... Because we could have lost track due to one single and one married status being clubbed together. It is probably nice, that now that both of us will have husbands together, we might just be able to have some gala time with the four of us. All of it could be true. But my heart will somewhere miss the true bond we shared, that nobody else might actually be able to understand...

Wind beneath my wings...

Each day now feels as if I am eloping to another world altogether, where all these people that I have been so attached to, will cease to exist all together. Not that I am going anywhere, but just that my environment will change so much that I will never know what to do and how to. The perfect balance between the family and friends, might just cease to exist further.

Guess like for every Libran, my friends too have held more than a special position in my life. From the years that have gone by, I have lost many, made new ones in "stranger" cities. The only time my daily routine gave me to speak with these guys, was either in the morning, before finally deciding to move out of bed to get ready, or late in the night, when almost the entire world is fast asleep. My wedding will make sure that these two time slots are permanently booked from now on. What will happen of my friends? Or rather of me, without my friends?

This blog is an ode to my Heroes, people who occupy more than a special place in my heart. Not that I don love the others, but I love these guys all the more because of what all they have given me, because of all that I have learnt from them individually and because of what they have made of me.

It must have been cold, There in my shadow
Cause you never have sunlight, On your face
You've been content to let me shine, You always walk a step behind
While I was the one, With all the glory
You were the one,With all the strain
A beautiful face, Without a name
A beautiful smile, To hide the pain

Did you ever know, That you're my hero
And everything, I'd like to be
I can fly higher, Than an eagle
When you are the, Wind beneath my wings

It might have appeared, To go unnoticed
But I've got it all, Here in my heart
I want you to know, I know the truth
I would be nothing, Without you.

Did you ever know, That you're my hero
And everything, I'd like to be
I can fly higher, Than an eagle
When you are the, Wind beneath my wings
Cause you are the, Wind beneath my wings

Mansi / Teena : This stupid female can herself just never cry, n even if I am or I want to, she will make sure that she makes me laugh. For us everything is always BIG !!! be it buying stupid chappals, or clothes, or chopping onions, or making sandwiches, or throwing parties, or singing songs, or just plain and simple gossiping. Everything is just GRAND !! We share a very personal "peepal ka ped", that is a witness to all the girl talk we have ever had, of all the crushes, all the heartbreaks, all the bitchy talk and all the gossip in the world. She is the second person (First being me) whose life was affected the most, after I left Chandigarh. I think there isn't any other topic left, on which we haven't fought. She is the Big Girl around, with all the responsibility and loads of driving to do. She is also the samajhdaar bachcha, and my punching bag (literally as well), during low times and high. Its because of teenad that Chandigarh is still a place that I wish I could go back to. And yes, if she gets married and remains in Chandigarh (that's what she dreams of), then probably will be the only factor that will keep pulling me back to Chandigarh.

Qaynat : Either I am insane or I am surrounded by insane people. This late august born is completely MAD… N I mean it when I say it. She is that one person who made me realize, how lucky I am to be able to express what ever I feel, whenever I feel. Without her my CV would have never been the way it is, n neither would have I. She is the one who has more faith in me than even I have. She takes more pride in my knowledge than I would even imagine anyone to. She is rather the one, who actually made me consider cutting my hair short. She is the reason I travel to Bangalore, and have the most amazing "lush-ious" experiences. She is the one who gifted me my first off shoulder. We started with traveling back together from school on our cycles, and moving on have become best of buddies. In our case, she is the cribber virgo, who is always lost in what to do and what not to do. But never the less, she has brains, and many a times, I also use her instead of mine (Just gives me more clarity you see). Getting married with just one days gap, was the weirdest thing that I could have thought of. Even though I might sound selfish, but somewhere I am so relaxed that she is not getting married on the 8th of Dec.
Annexure a : Ankit Mahajan: Her soon to be hubby, The more Qaynat hates being panju, the more he loves it. This is definitely the "Jaane tu ya jaane na" couple, been together but never knew of what they felt. The biggest Nautanki, biggest flirt, biggest @#@#@# and also the biggest @#@@#@ (I have used the decently dirty ones only). But an Adorable guy, who might just steal Qaynat away from me. All I can hope is that you guys are able to bardash karo each other.

Simran : The only reason why I now believe that maturity is NOT directly proportional to age. You might be much older to him, and still might not have the maturity enough to even near his. My true "firenemy….Dil se". I think I have never fought more with anyone else ever, N I guess I have also not loved anyone else more than him. The reason why I hate him the most is because he left me here and shifted to Canada. But somewhere deep inside I am happy for him, coz he is in the land where he can relate more and be himself. We have shared, fought, gossiped, cried (only me, coz he never does) and done loads of other nautanki together. Guess when Madonna sang the song "Love you more, miles apart", it was just for the two of us only.

Kubu / Khushijs : NO!!! we do not share the same childhood. I don really understand, how can anyone even grow up without knowing the poem "hawa hoon hawa main basanti hawa hoon". I mean it is like cult with children. Anyways, she was my first support system in Mumbai. I can text her in the middle of the night and expect her to reply then n there it self. One of the major reasons why I have survived Mumbai is because of her only. The only reason why I shop all the more extravagantly today, is because of her. The only reason that I know how to cross roads and have managed to accept this city is all because of her. I owe my existence in this wild city to her. It was only after I got to know her, did I realize that poking can be so much fun. I have never come across better cheeks shouting aloud to be pulled !!!

Puneet Mahajan : It is impossible to explain how I know him. I guess I haven't met him more than 3-4 times in my life. But "bhai", crept in so steadily and became such an integral part. Again, I love him so much that fighting with him is like awesome fun. We both have our share of egos to defend, of course. He has been my telephone support for almost a year now. N knowing him, has made me realize that I can get along equally well with bachchas and budhas (lol). I wish someone was as passionate for me.

My heroes. I don know how will life be in the future, if they are not with me anymore the way they are.

Happy birthday Didi....

There are times when we don realise, how little things we do affect others...
My this birthday, Chirdeep called me more then an hour before it was to strike 12.. N then when everyone kept calling, he did not let me take any calls, as he alone wanted to speak to .. Selfish.. But really cute.. (I loved it :) ).. N Noorah.. i think she tried calling me atleast 4 times.. n then she text.. I was feeling bad.. seeing her call in waiting everythime... but then just could not answer.. N that poor bachcha of mine ... felt so bad... Here's what she wrote...

On Mon, 13/10/08, namita singh wrote:
From: namita singh
Subject: silly confession
To: neha sabherwal
Date: Monday, 13 October, 2008, 7:52 PM

happy birthday di....!!!
hope you had a great time today... nai bhi hua to 15th ko ho jaayega...;)
how is everythin going on...???don know why am i writin this... but i thought its been long that i let my heart out to anybody... and who better than u... my guardian angel...
a thought just crossed my mind.. will this guardian angel be there in my life post 6 dec 2008... don know whether i'm lying to you or myself by saying that it just crossed my mind... coz the thought's been there for quite a while now...and there was this dissapointment at night... for u not recievin my call... which probably was evident in my voice in the morning...:(
but ah a... wait a min... i thought over it the whole day... and realised... this is what i always wanted for you... 'happily married guardian angel'... so was the dissapointment at night a reflection of a selfish me...probably it was... but i'm so happy that i'm selfish for the right thing... selfish for a friend who's so dear to me... for someone who's stood by me all these years when i was growing up to be this person, talkin about you being my super friend...:)
every morning i make a prayer for all the special people in my life... needless to say you're always on the list... and today even deep ji came to mind while prayin...:) god's way of tellin me how silly i was...!!!
thank you di for all that you are to me... and sorry for having such a silly feelin... felt like confessing... probably the first time someone so close to me is gettin married...take care and keep smiling always...:):):)

From: neha sabherwal
Sent: Wednesday, October 22, 2008 3:06 PM
To: namita singh
Cc: Chirdeep Makkar
Subject: Re: silly confession

Noorah, baby ...
I just read the maill... OMG !!!! Itna emotional kyun ho gya .. i am there baby .. n i will be like this hamesha ... Might not be able to answer your calls as frequently as i used to do .. But i always always will be there for u my bachcha.... i have literally seen u grow up infront of my eyes... been with you through your tender years... Why would i even want to miss any moment of your life from this moment on ... 06 Dec 2008 or 09 or 10... or any number beyond... i will always be there baby ... Ofcourse till as long as u can bear me ...
Main kahain nahin ja raha ... Aur as it is Shaadi ke baad to mujhe official rights mil jaayega tere saath gande gande jokes crack karne ka ... :) :) So how can i possible even think of going missing... Plus ur jeejs is gonna be there.. N agar main kahin gayab ho bhi jaaun .. he will make sure that i don go missing... Aur main phone uthun na uthaun .. he will answer puccaaaaaaaa se...
Love ya mera bachcha... khoob masti maarenge hum shaadi par.... Muaah muaah muaah... :)
(p.s.: I have marked him also in this mail... )
Aur haan ... Now i am also contactable at neha_makkar@in.com... (I prefer this id more... )

---
RE: silly confession
Wednesday, 22 October, 2008 3:50 PM
From: "Chirdeep Makkar"
To: neha sabherwal, "namita singh"
Hey Girls… !!!!!
Don’t get so senti…. Anyways …Namita ur didi is going no where !! She would always be near you whenever u need her …. Aur haan ,, main bhi hunnn yahan pe toh need not worry u and your didi would be taken care of.. :) …
Love
Chirdeep Makkar

Shaba ni Shaba !!

Haa Maine Mana Hai Saath Hum Toh Hai Khushi Si
Lekin Zara Suno Yeh Raaten Bhi Hai Nayi Si
Aaisa Naa Ho Kahi Yun Soch Lo Tum
Yahi Pyar Toh Nahi
Huaa Yeh Kab
Tell Me Is This Love….

24th July : Mom, Dad went to see him.
26th July : He came down to see me.
28th July : Yes from both the sides.
03 Aug : Roka

Just 10 days… and a pace unbeatable… Like my mom always used to say... “ Weddings just happen.. and it is only after you are over with them .. that u realize what has happened” . lol… Sounds so funny .. but again it is true ... My roka.. just happnened.. in a matter of days… I am committed… Looking forward to love someone … looking forward to live my life with someone... I had never ever met before… Uncle, Aunty have now so suddenly become mummy, papa… N I, Neha Sabherwal.. is soon to become Neha Makkar…

Life is just galloping away … not that I am not enjoying it .. I am loving every moment of it … Trying my best to celebrate … N give as much love as possible … Imagine abhi tak jaanti bhi nahin use.. n honeymoon is being discussed… Sach mein kuch ho gaya hai mujhe .. har cheez ki pace is so fast that it just ends up scaring me …

But then ***Touch Wood***, life looks good… Its is so much like how I had wanted it to be .. the independence the freedom, the liberty, the insane-ness, the love, the passion, the laziness, the freakiness… everything ..

Now... taiyaari for the weeding… the D-day being 7th December, Delhi …
Like one of his dearest frined told me ... “Hope to see you in Delhi ;-)”

The Bridges of Madison County

“In a universe of ambiguity, this kind of certainty comes only once, no matter how many lifetimes you live.” - Robert James Waller

I finally read “The bridges of Madison County”. A book that talks of love: eternal and soulful. Francesca Johnson and Robert Kincaid and their 4-day love affair that has leapt through the boundaries of time and generations to find its place on the charts of sacrifice and passion. A love affair that made a lonely Italian Iowa housewife, fall in love with the Last Cowboy (as Robert called himself). A love affair that made a National Geographic magazine photographer, who had come down to visit Iowa, for a feature on covered bridges, eventually bridged his life for eternity with the woman who never left his heart and mind after the four days of togetherness.

The candles, the brandy, the beer, the cigarettes (Camel), the essence of life in the dance, that rolled with the radio in 1965. The essence of love that melted between Robert and Francesca. Love that would never die, for it never lost the respect for its responsibilities, for its truthfulness, for the exiting life that would come to a standstill, for the death of the animal, that she believed existed in him…
Francesca Johnson: “I'm not sure you can [be yourself] with me along. Don't you see, I love you so much that I cannot think of restraining you for a moment. To do that would be to kill the wild, magnificent animal that is you.. I have feelings of responsibility here.. To Richard (her husband), to the children. Just my leaving, taking away my physical presence, would be hard enough for Richard. That alone might destroy him. On top of that, and this is even worse, he would have to live the rest of his life with the whispers of the people here.. the children would hear the snickering of Winterset for as long as they live here. They would suffer, too. And they would hate me for it.. I cannot live with the thought. [of abandoning my responsibilities] If I did leave now, those thoughts would turn me into something other than the woman you have come to love.” – Robert James Waller
Are love stories like this true enough to survive? What were the reasons behind the story being eternal…

They truly loved each other, for whatever little time it was, they gave themselves wholly.
The fire that they saw in each other, they had never known before, neither did the see it ever after they parted…
They had never believed, that they would ever come across something so beautiful, that would change their life forever…
They had lived together only for four days…

Was that the basic reason, why Francesca and Robert’s love became eternal?
The basic reason being that they never let the relationship into the fire and grind of monotony, they never even had the time to get used to each other. How would have Francesca been, had she left her life in Iowa and gone with Robert to Asia, Would the monotony that she had earlier felt in her farm life, never crept in? Would Robert always 24*7, for years to come, had been as romantic as he had been in those 4 days? Would they have actually spent the rest of their life in music, brandy, cigarettes, candles, love making and dance?

If it has to be eternal love, then I guess it has to be my parents, 26 years of togetherness, and yet I have never seen them yell at each other, never seen them show a divided reaction in front of us, Never seen any decision from them, other than a unanimous one. They are the ones who have learnt that the special animal is inside them to unleash. They are ones who have survived and yet defied the chains of monotony.

I might be saying all this because I have not come across my share of eternal love, the ones who have might vouch for it differently. I do not even know if I am actually waiting for my share of it. Somewhere deep inside yes, but on the face of it, in a practical manner, not really...

I'm BIG BIG girl...

Have I matured, have I moved on, have I grown up?

It’s a long journey that I have traveled, from being a young girl, to an adolescent, then a teenager and now a lady (who still loves to baby talk)…

From collecting hand painted letter pads to write letters to friends and family… to closing it just on the email and chat buddies… to figuring out that dad works in a PSB, so his modus operandi is suppose to be so different from mine… From sitting with my brother when he was four, teaching him hindi... to now moving on and preparing MIS for his business …

Yes I have moved on ... yes I have grown, literally and otherwise as well... Today I have the guts to go shopping alone in the Herculean city of Mumbai… to a book shops that exists in one end of the city... to buy the books that I would have never read 5 years back... To gain the knowledge... that I never believed I needed 5 years back… to sustain in a city that I had never though I would ever be in...

Yes I have grown up enough to wear all the floral and lacy lingerie… Something I had helped friends shop... only when they were getting married… something that I own today... even though I am single... Something that I had never even seen my mom use… something I had never thought I would burn so much money on ... for something that doesn’t matter to anyone else but me...

Yes I have grown up enough …to take decisions about picking up a job… To take decision about not selecting something even if it pays me double my current... to take decisions to leave home and move on to a city unknown for better prospects… To take decisions about a career I had never even thought I would have... a career my parents too never believed could exist…

Yes I have grown up enough to dream about the day I would get married… To believe that I am decent enough with my decision making skills to figure out that I can select a guy for my self… big enough to just pick up a flight and go down and meet a friend in Bangalore.. Big enough to fund my own trips to Chandigarh, Colaba and even to Lakme… Big enough to tell my brother to shut up … just because I am elder to him... Big enough to tease him... assuming he might have a girl friend... Big enough to go out for coffee with guyfriends… Big enough to carry a map of my current city, lest I get lost again…

Yes.. I am a Big Big Girl... in a Big Big world... and its not a Big Big thing if everyone leaves me...

A lesson that life has made me learn … a lesson that is still very difficult to take in... a lesson that at times i don even want to accept that I have learnt … But I guess now I am BIG enough to understand and accept and manipulate all of it ..

Moving on .. n letting go ...

Another step on moving on ... rather moving ahead inlife... Again, awafully difficult.
We are gone past the age of making friends... as in making the heart to heart friends, whom you can just cling on to in times of need, n expect, nothing yet everthing from them. Yet, it is so hard to accept them moving away from us.. or rather just letting them go .. into another world of bliss..t hat might not include me ... probably not in the same manner as today ...
We meet people so randomly, n with the same randomness, we becomeclose to them, know them enough to understand them and yet figure out that beyond this moment, they would never be with us like they had been before...
A friend of mine, just had her baby yesterday, and another one is moving out of the organisation into another job... Its not about my loving them or their loving me ... it is all about learning to let go of them ... I don want to .. i want to cling on to them and hold on to every moment... Every moment that we have been together.. n spent our life like young insane adolacents...
Don wanna let go .. : (

Loss uncomparable...

A lot of things go unquestioned,
a lot of questions go unanswered,
a lot of words go unsaid,
a few go unheard,
some dreams are buried alive,
some are born dead…
That is Life…

More than unanswered questions,
there are unquestioned answers...
more than words unsaid,
There are moments unheard of ..
With a few dreams buried alive,
There are many more born right next to the stars…
That will always make you look up and smile ..
Now that is life... LIVE IT !!!

Khushbu Shah: 15 Days - Thats all I have to relive memories!

Letting go .... one of the biggest decisions in life .. You wish well.. but at the same time .. you donot want to be a part of the "missing-comittee" and sit in a corner and just miss and feel miserable... But then moving on in life is also essential...
Khushbu Shah... Joined hungama on 30th April 2007. A part of my team as a Sr. Copywriter... Moving on ..she becamean integral partof my team and me .. Last night working on a presentation.. i realised, that any presentation to be made beyond this day , will have to be me alone. She will not be there to tell me , that this colour doesn't go Neha, Is it not too much text, Is this exactly what you want to say ?.. N blah blah... (ya, she actually says like too many things... But then we also make like awesome presentations...)
There is so much that i have learnt from her.. there is so much that we have done together, there have been so many times when we have actually complimented each other's abilities, There has been so much understanding, there has always been so much unsaid.. n understood with the eyes...

Am i sounding desperate ????? kind of ya i am ... I don want my best team member to move on... (Even though, her moving on was a decision we made together)
I was still new to Mumbai... Just could not relate to the city.. Did not even think that there never could exist something that would be worth liking... Then came khushbu .. with her positive attitude, amazing smile, loads n loads n loads of patience and so much of creativity. She added that spark to the team .. n also to my Friend-deprived life in Mumbai... She took me around.. to the city that i had closed myself to, introduced me to a new world of books.. gave me gyan on how to work on my relationships... heard me through... text me in the middle of the night.. n told me not to cry... Read my expression written all over my face.. n asked me why? Stood by me profesionally, understanding most of the times, n explaining the rest...
I will miss sitting next to her, finishing her dabba even before she realises, Poking her, pulling her cheeks, irritating her, dabaoing her legs (lol).. rather just being with her...

My first friend in the city of strangers... My first friend who taught me patience.. My first friend who has never yelled back at me ... Another Arian in the league... but so different from the rest...
Love u baby ... muah ... :)

Beti ko deti pardes ri...

Randomly surfing through channels last night, i caught on Pinjar ... (Urmila Matondkar, Manoj Bajpai & Sanjay Suri ). A movie that talked of the Independence and the pre independence era.. A time when women were loved, cared for but for some reason not respected enough. A time when even though Lillet Dube's elder daughter is getting married.. she herself is bearing a child... The movie took me back to another one that i had seen some time back with my family.. Khuda ke liye... A lovely movie from Pakistan, that talked about how each woman's opinion and right to speak her mind needs to be respected.

Its not about movies, its about us .. the young women of India, born and brought up in the urban section of the society.. Young women, convent educated, with masteres from a few of the most renowned institutes, earning well, rather doing exceptionally well for their young ages. Yet somewhere, lost in a world, where they are addressed as 'aap' but still treated a noone. Where they are taught to say what their heart feels and believes, but not always allowed to do so. Have we actually become so urban for the ages to be accepted as those young docile daughters, who need to know how the world was back then, who need opinion, who need help.. but only to take their own decisions eventualy. All of it, only to decide how they want to live their lives in the years to come.

Getting married is such an agenda at homes, but then how many of us can actually tell our moms, that we donot want to get married to this guy, because i don't think we could be physically compatible, because i cannot imagine myself sharing a bed with someone like him. How many of us want to say all this, or for that matter, how many times would our parents not get embarassed with all this or, just at the end say that it is another lame excuse of ours. I at times feel like putting in a reality check alarm in my mom dad's phones. That should almost everytime remind them, that their daughter has never had a drink in her life, not gone around experimenting bed time partners, never done drugs in life, Never done a financial ghapla, never been arrested in a crime, never killed anyone... nothing of such sort.. nothing... , Still knows how to maintain a house, still knows how to cook, Still loves being home with family, still reads good books, watches clean television, respects her parents, Prays everyday... Why is it that they for some reason donot want to see all of it...

There are times when i want to sit with them and say all of it ... But then wonder 'should i' ??? Is it about convincing them or telling myself that i need to change ? Is it about them or yet again is it about me ? In my attempt to even out the gound to find some comfort, have i actually forgotten that wearing slippers might just make my journey easier???

Shift + Del

How easy is it to hit those buttons on the keyboard, but does it happen the same way in real life? Do we live actually over the edge, where at the thought of getting rid of an event in life, Shift+Del does the needful?

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004, Jim Carry & Kate Winslet)

On a Valentine Day, Joel Barish feels the impulse of going to Montauk instead of working. After spending the cold day on the beach, he meets Clementine Kruczynski on the train station and they have a crush on each other. Joel and Clementine do not know that they were mates in the past. Joel has just erased Clementine from his memories when he found that Clementine did exactly the same, when their relationship ended. She had undergone a psychiatrist's experimental procedure in which all of her memory of Joel is removed, after the couple has tried for years to get their relationship working fluidly. Frustrated by the idea of still being in love with a woman who doesn't remember their time together, Joel agrees to undergo the procedure as well, to erase his memories of Clementine. However, along his erasing process, Joel becomes astonished when he finds that he still loves Clementine and he does not want to lose her, fighting for keeping the memories of their moments together instead.
www.imdb.com

How difficult is it to survive relationships? Who decides, that now its time to let go? Who takes the call that it won’t work anymore.. I thought ‘Euthanasia’ was illegal. Is my life and its dreams not as alive as my soul?

The silence of my heart...

The ache is unbearable…
The pain somehow doesn’t seem to go …
The yearning just doesn’t end…
And the flow of tears just never gets slow…
I think of the time we kissed each other…
I think of the time I felt your breath..
The moments of your hand in mine…
All of it just rushes to my head…
I hush it all away … like everything else..
Those promises, those words…
The comforting smile, the tender hug …
The independent spirit that made us one...
All of it , Today somewhere lies in the dumps…
Have I become the deceiving lover,
The envious friend,
Or the disobeying daughter?

Is it inside me that I need to look…
Before i say ... that people around me have changed…
Is it me or is it them?
Or is it just the way I look at it today …

I feel so helpless.. I feel so defeated.. I feel so empty inside..
With no word , no whisper .. n nothing to hide..
I feel so naked without the caress,
Without your arms by my side…
Yet everyday I tell myself again..
Its without you that I need to survive…
Its every morning.. when I wakeup to the silence of my heart yelling inside…
Its every evening that I hit bed with my hollows inside waiting to get filled..
Its every moment that I say your name .. to remind myself you still exist…
Its every pain that makes me feel,.. that nothing was worse than letting you go …

I don want to be the defeated lover, the envious friend, or the disobeying daughter…

Yet I survive with my arms caressing me ..
Yet I survive, the silence inside…
It even scares me to think… how would it be ..
If this silence comes outside..

Find me a find, catch me a catch...

A new day, a new begining... a new journey, that my heart has so yearned for .. Nothing great happening though.. but yes a strong urge to make things happen... (umm.. that does not mean that i am making loads of effort for it).. But yes.. There is yet another urge to make things happen. Besides, i also have no clue, what is it that i wish, should happen (Ab main SRK thodi hoon... ke main thoda WISH karoon .. n it'll happen)

I sit with the same set of people in the same office.. I think i really need to log on to shine.com .
Matchmaker matchmaker, make me a match,
Find me a find,
Catch me a catch,
Matchmaker matchmaker, is he the one?
Is she the one?

Is there any company looking for me like that, as in actually?? Esp. the chairs in the TVC are too awesome.. (My company, trust me, has like really pathetic ones.)
So just that ek naukri ki talaash hai ...
Aur uske bgair haal behaal hai...
Boss ki shakal dekhne ka aage nahin koi khayaal hai...
Aage kuch nahin pata.. par kya Subhash Ghai ki picture Taal hai?

Might not be a very great topic to begin my blog with .. So wait kuch achcha sa aaj ya kal mein zaroor aa jaayega.. So it might just help ...